“When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they’re not it.”              Bernard Bailey

So many of us think we are better, smarter, more talented, better looking, funnier, more charming than we are.

We tend to preserve our inflated self esteem at all costs.  We constantly over-estimate our abilities, our positive traits, and specialness.  Not only do we rightly take credit for our accomplishments, we also feel the need to inflate our contributions to the world.  It’s painful to accept responsibility for our failures so we blame others or even “bad luck”.

Examples are everywhere: 

You get an A on a test and pat yourself on the back for your brilliance.  You fail it and blame the teacher for writing a bad test or grading too hard, or blame external forces like the weather (too cold to concentrate), the noisy room, or even the pen that ran out of ink.

A group presentation doesn’t go well and you think you had a “bad” team.  If it’s excellent?  Thank God the other members had you on the team.

You get a great new job – obviously you were the best candidate and aced the interview.  If someone else gets hired?  He must have connections, or was the right sex or color or age. 

Your child gets a full scholarship to Harvard and you are obviously a great parent.  He gets arrested and he’s just like his father.

Psychologists call this the “self-serving bias.” 

Like so many things we do, it helps us and hurts us. 

We are helped because an inflated sense of ourselves can motivate us to persevere in the face of challenges.  Thinking well of ourselves can protect us from depression and hopelessness.  It gives us confidence to face the world and advocate for ourselves.

We are hurt because we don’t learn and improve if we don’t accept responsibility for our failures or bad choices.  Relationships can suffer if we constantly blame others.  Team members hate it when one person takes all the credit. 

The message?  Living in the present, being mindful and taking responsibility keeps us “right sized.”  Acknowledging the positive contributions of others creates good will.  Not blaming everyone and everything for things that go wrong can open up the space for us to grow and learn.  Taking credit for our positive attributes and actions creates REAL self-esteem — We get self-esteem by doing estimable things.