I recently read an article about a  woman, “Mary”, who had a mom and pop type business with her husband.  They divided the duties of running the shop by strengths and interests.  He died suddenly and now she was left running the whole show.  Not only wasn’t she good at doing his part, she didn’t even really know what it was he did or how he did it.  She was overwhelmed and felt hopeless and incompetent and scared, as well as grief-stricken.

This made me think that marriages and long term relationships are like a small business.  Each partner takes on part of the load and the couple manages, more or less, to keep it going.

I am at an age when people around me seem to be experiencing huge life changes — spouses dying, divorce after decades of togetherness.  This is when the challenges of “doing it all” can become as overwhelming as it was for Mary.

A client who lost her partner of 20 years confided that she just couldn’t cope.  She was unbearably lonely, depressed, and would break down as she tried to navigate the daily chores that her partner used to handle — things like calling the plumber (who was the guy they used?), or changing the credit card used for auto pay (she never did know the pin number).  She felt like an incompetent child – she  couldn’t manage on her own and was convinced she was obviously deficient in some crucial way.

I believe our ability to go on in the face of great loss and change ultimately comes down to our ability to go against the conventional wisdom of these times and NOT “be in the moment.”  The moment sucks.  The moment is what’s getting in the way of breathing and thinking clearly.  What can give clarity, offer solutions and provide respite is to look at the big picture and not delude ourselves that we have all the information we need nor that we will achieve peace by accepting the present reality.  It takes more than that.  It takes trust in the reality of change.  It may take awhile.  It will certainly take longer than you want. Things may not visibly improve but they will change.  And who knows what  doors that change will open?

There is a story about a bug that gets trapped in a cup and goes around and around, trying to escape and finding no way out.  There are times when we are all like that bug.  We are trapped and see only what we can see, limited by ourselves, our own thinking.  And yet, unlike that poor little bug, we might be able, if we step back, to see that there are unlimited options that the future could bring. Our “in the moment” puny brain just can’t see them.  But if we breathe, give the world a chance to work its magic, Plan B, C, D, E etc might reveal themselves to us and offer a whole new vision of our life. Step out of the moment and into infinite possibilities.  The moment may still suck, but maybe the future wont.