I learned a lot during my undergraduate years at UCLA so long ago.  I learned about Egyptian art, anthropology and how to swear.  Can’t remember the difference between Upper and Lower Egypt or which tribes in the Amazon lived in trees, but I sure do remember how to swear.

Most of the time, I don’t even realize I’ve let loose with a “naughty” word. And I don’t bat an eye when others do either.  I made a dear friend during my time in Montreal when she said “f**k me “ and I evidently just kept the conversation going.  She was so charmed that she declared us instant BFFs.

As a therapist, this has been a double edged sword.  I have had to actually be attentive to my language and really try not to swear in session with clients.  I always apologize when I inevitably slip up.  However, no one has ever been shocked and, oddly, new clients often respond with laughter and say something along the lines of “We’re going to get along great.”

My Master of Social Work professors would be turning in their graves if they were dead. Profanity as an element of my professional identity?  A therapeutic bonding tool?  Isn’t there something in the 500 pages of social work ethics prohibiting this?  We are not even supposed to stay in a room with someone who tells non-PC jokes.  (Try living with a comedy writer and obeying THAT one ….but I digress.)

Imagine my surprise when I saw an article on January 13, 2018 in the Wall Street Journal about a new book called — wait for it — “Swearing is Good for You” by Dr Emma Byrne. 

Dr Byrne posits that swearing has benefits.  It’s even been officially studied with money from, one presumes, grants. Richard Stephens at Keele University in Staffordshire, England has studied subjects whose ability to tolerate pain improved if they swore.  There is a scientific reason we say, “F**k, G D it, S**t when we drop a pot on our foot.  It doesn’t hurt as much!  And swimmers can tolerate colder water when they swear.  Dr Stephens says it helps all kinds of people in all kinds of situations — people who swear freely and those who report they don’t.  Everyone’s pain is alleviated.  Dr Bryne reports that Stephens said it “works through our emotions, heightening confidence, increasing aggression and making us more resilient.”

The best part is that it has to be the real thing — coy euphemisms like “Sugar” or “Oh drat” just don’t work like a rousing  “SHIT!.” 

Emotional pain is lessened too!  A study in Australia found that 70 volunteers, over half of them men, felt the painful memory of being excluded from a group reduced.   I thought listening to Joni Mitchell albums and crying did that.  I should have sworn more.  No wonder my clients swear so  much too.

And then, it turns out that my swearing with (not AT) clients is, in fact, bonding.  Dr Byrne says that “risking a swear word in a new social group is an important barometer of how much we believe that our good intentions are accepted. We tend to swear among those we trust and it can help to create trust.”

I think I’m onto something.  Maybe I should start giving workshops?  Or apply for some grant money?  Workshop title suggestions welcome. 

Dr Emma Byrne’s book, “Swearing is Good for You” will be published on January 23, 2018 by W.W. Norton

“When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they’re not it.”              Bernard Bailey

So many of us think we are better, smarter, more talented, better looking, funnier, more charming than we are.

We tend to preserve our inflated self esteem at all costs.  We constantly over-estimate our abilities, our positive traits, and specialness.  Not only do we rightly take credit for our accomplishments, we also feel the need to inflate our contributions to the world.  It’s painful to accept responsibility for our failures so we blame others or even “bad luck”.

Examples are everywhere: 

You get an A on a test and pat yourself on the back for your brilliance.  You fail it and blame the teacher for writing a bad test or grading too hard, or blame external forces like the weather (too cold to concentrate), the noisy room, or even the pen that ran out of ink.

A group presentation doesn’t go well and you think you had a “bad” team.  If it’s excellent?  Thank God the other members had you on the team.

You get a great new job – obviously you were the best candidate and aced the interview.  If someone else gets hired?  He must have connections, or was the right sex or color or age. 

Your child gets a full scholarship to Harvard and you are obviously a great parent.  He gets arrested and he’s just like his father.

Psychologists call this the “self-serving bias.” 

Like so many things we do, it helps us and hurts us. 

We are helped because an inflated sense of ourselves can motivate us to persevere in the face of challenges.  Thinking well of ourselves can protect us from depression and hopelessness.  It gives us confidence to face the world and advocate for ourselves.

We are hurt because we don’t learn and improve if we don’t accept responsibility for our failures or bad choices.  Relationships can suffer if we constantly blame others.  Team members hate it when one person takes all the credit. 

The message?  Living in the present, being mindful and taking responsibility keeps us “right sized.”  Acknowledging the positive contributions of others creates good will.  Not blaming everyone and everything for things that go wrong can open up the space for us to grow and learn.  Taking credit for our positive attributes and actions creates REAL self-esteem — We get self-esteem by doing estimable things.

We keep hearing that the economy is improving and that more jobs are being added each month. But job hunting is still difficult. There are many people competing for each job and that means that more often than not, we aren’t hired. This often triggers anxiety, feelings of self-doubt, worthlessness, hopelessness. In order to persevere, we need to keep plugging away, applying for job after job and somehow remain at least somewhat optimistic.

For instance, my daughter was a child actress. She went on scores of auditions and didn’t always get the job. Conventional wisdom said that SUCCESSFUL actors (not stars) went on 60-100 auditions for each job they booked. Imagine the rejection! My daughter learned VERY quickly that only ONE person out of the hundreds who auditioned would get the job. If she got a callback, the crowd was now limited to about a dozen. A second callback reduced it further to 4 or 5. Eventually, it usually came down to two or three little girls. If she got a callback or certainly a second callback, she realized that she could have gotten the part. After that, final decisions were made based on all sorts of things that were totally beyond her control and had NOTHING to do with talent. She knew that she did a good job and was in the running. It was a matter of waiting for the next audition and knowing that sooner or later the stars would align in her favor. And they did! In the meantime, she had fun “acting” at the auditions and meeting new people.

The same thing holds true for job interviews. Especially these days. If you get a call for an interview after sending in your resume online, knowing that the hiring company is receiving hundreds if not thousands of applicants, you are doing something right and are hirable. If you are asked for a second interview, you have impressed them and they are seriously considering you for the job. They would NOT be wasting their time otherwise. If you don’t get the job, it’s a disappointment, but only ONE person can sit in that office chair. It is your cue to keep looking, keep putting your resume out there, and keep investigating whether you need to fine-tune your presentation of yourself, your skills and your professionalism. And above all, its important to look at each interview as another opportunity to meet someone new, to learn something, to practice your interviewing skills, to improve your odds. Remember, it’s not personal.

It isn’t easy, it can get you down. Push yourself to answer just one more ad, make one more call. Talk to people who are on your side, ask for honest feedback. Cultivate a group of cheerleaders who will remind you of your wonderful skills and qualities when it is hard for you to remember them. Take time to have fun and enjoy life – it isn’t all about work.

And, above all, KEEP BREATHING. Five minutes of deep breathing and meditation will help you relax, stay calm and refocus.

Unless you are involved in the mental health/substance abuse community, you may not know what Samhsa is or why you should care what they do. You may have absently noted the name in various studies and reports in the news but not investigated any further. And why should you have? Just another group of initials from the government, right?

Samsha stands for Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration and is a Health and Human Services agency that is required “to promote coordination of programs relating to mental illness throughout the federal government. “ They give grants for research, release reports and studies to the public and are supposed to coordinate the 112 separate programs in 8 federal agencies that relate to mental illness.

This week, the Government Accountability Office released a report criticizing the lack of high-level coordination that “hinders the federal government’s ability to develop an overarching perspective of its programs supporting and targeting individuals with serious mental illness.”

This affects YOU! Wonder why the government is squandering money and real improvements aren’t being made to the development and delivery of services to the people who need them the most? Pam Hyde, director of Samsha since 2009, believes that Samsha’s mission is mental health, not mental illness. The 2011-2014 plan doesn’t even mention schizophrenia or bipolar disorders.

There are more people with mental illness in jails and prisons than in state mental hospitals and yet Samsha declared a week in September “National Wellness Week” and recommended drinking smoothies and going line dancing.

I love a good smoothie, but I’d rather put our resources into removing barriers to treatment.

I love a new year. I love the feeling that it’s the time for second chances, for do-overs, for another try at “getting things right.” The optimism of this opens my soul, even while tinged with the regrets of everything I haven’t gotten right.

This complex set of feelings seems right in line with many of my clients. Mistakes have been made, choices have gone so wrong, bridges have been burnt but still the essential human spirit longs for better and, as the poet said, “Hope springs eternal.”

One reason I love my work is the opportunity I’m given to be a partner on this hopeful path, and see the joy when things DO go better.

Happy New Year and embrace the opportunities of a New Year.

Sometimes I feel like that old Frank Sinatra song, “I’ve been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king. *” I’ve had so many interesting careers and jobs in my life and they have all come together to contribute to the skills and joy and that I bring to this, my last career, as a therapist.

How did I get so lucky? Meeting people in their times of need, of pain, of indecision is a blessing. Being part of their personal quest is a privilege.

I don’t want to get too sentimental in this, my first blog ever, so I’ll stop before I go any further.

I want to use this blog to share my thoughts with you about the complexities of providing mental health services and the fascination of human experience.

I’m excited about having my own private practice. I have loved my clients and co-workers at agencies I’ve worked at in the past but have not always been comfortable with the policies. Now it’s just me – and you – my present and future clients. Let’s do this work the way it’s supposed to be done!

I LOVE MY JOB – thanks Confusius!

* “That’s Life” Writer(s): Kelly L. Gordon, Dean Kay
Copyright: Bibo Music Publishing Inc.